While You Were Gone

 

Photo: a deep indigo sky is framed along the bottom by black silhouetted trees. In the far background is a ribbon of light sky and dark clouds floating by. At the top of the frame is a blurred but brilliant moon. 

    I do not believe in writer's block. Either you write or you don't write. To you, it might have seemed I was on a hiatus. For me, it was more like a low-atus. There was so much to tell but I didn't want to say anything.

    So many things have been rolling around inside my brain. We're living through a worldwide viral pandemic; so many have lost friends, loved ones, family; work is hard, school is hard, not having work is harder, not having school is harder still; there's unease and social unrest. Has anyone emerged unscathed during this trying time?

    Two weeks ago, we marked the one year anniversary of my mother's passing. Our relationship was complicated - there were times when we were close, but the last few years had me acting more like the worried parent and she like the rebellious teen. We had reversed roles. Now that both my parents are gone, there's no one to call to let them know I made it home safe from a trip, no one to give me unsolicited (but probably well-deserved) advice, no one to run a crazy idea or a major purchase by. I didn't feel like an adult as much as I felt like a child trying to act grown. 

    One week ago, the world waited with bated breath for the jury's verdict in the trial of the murderer of George Floyd. While the outcome was a relief and a vindication, there was no joy in the justice. Mr. Floyd became a present-day symbol of oppression that started with the birth of this nation and still persists. Though he had become a touchstone for accountability and activism, his family had lost a son, father, brother. No one would sacrifice their loved one for this kind of symbolism. 

    A few days ago, I returned to a women's writing accountability group, not because I required the bolstering and advice of others, but because I knew that holding myself accountable was easier if I made public my goals. Though I love to write, there are never enough hours in the day to make myself do it. When I am on a roll, it feels effortless like floating. When I stop, the heaviness makes it hard to get started again.

    Today, I received an official nomination to run for public office in my small town. It is heartening to know that I can try to make a difference in our little corner of the world, but it is also a great responsibility to work towards representation and public service in a time of uncertainty. 

   Tomorrow holds a lot of promise - it will be a brand new day, unfettered by yesterday but still rich with the experience. Anything can happen. And probably everything will. There will be much to tell and I will have to find a voice to speak it.