(The) Some of our Fears
Last Friday, I had to confront one of my fears - I was tasked with picking up and delivering a gigantic sheet cake for the 80th birthday of a friend. I accept that carrying a cake, dropping a cake, or watching a cake buckle in the back seat of a car, are small fears in the big scheme of things. There are, clearly, much worse things to be afraid of.
Like spiders. That's another fear of mine. It is sometimes debilitating and life-altering. There are things that I simply cannot do: spend time in an attic where the population ratio of arachnids to humans is unknown, cut machete paths through jungles in tropical countries, enter an enclosed outdoor space (like a public toilet in a campground) without fully inspecting the premises for 8-legged surprises, or even look at photographs of said creatures.
As I'm pushing six decades, I've heard all the rebuttals and rebukes: they won't hurt you, but... they're so small!, they're just trying to live just like you, what can you possibly be afraid of?? The truth is that I have been bitten (stung?) by spiders and have had bad reactions such that it takes a steroid shot to shut it down, and clearly there are many types of the creatures that can definitely hurt you. As for their relative size, I am definitely the Goliath that quakes at the sight of a fanged and diminutive David. My first terrifying encounter with a spider is still available in my memory bank - it was in Sri Lanka, at my grandmother's rustic home; I must have been about four and I saw a spider that was the size of a dinner plate on a wall of her home. The rustic homes in Sri Lanka in those days had clay-tiled roofs and didn't require glass in windows so there was no doubt that something of that size could have gotten in. I remember my father going after it with a broom. That's all I remember because I landed, sobbing and trembling in the arms of my mother - who was also frightened of spiders.
A friend who is a naturalist told me recently that if fears are divided into two categories: rational and irrational, then my fear of spiders was entirely rational since my family's motherland is home to exceedingly large and often dangerous spiders. We once (well, not me, exactly, but others in my group) observed one of the largest spiders in the world at the Smithsonian Natural History Museum - the Sri Lankan Bird-Eating Spider. It was the size of a dinner plate. Finally, my husband could see that the childhood memory I described, with wide eyes and recoiling, was not just a fearful exaggeration. It was indeed true and indescribably scary.
Now, back to that cake. I tried to think of what it was that I feared about transporting cake. Was it the horror of tripping on a crack while taking the cake out of the store, or accidentally dropping the cake taking it out of the car? First and foremost, I think it is the idea of ruining the party or feeling the disappointment when the keystone of the gathering was just a pile of crumbs and clumps of frosting. I couldn't face the "awww.... no....." that would follow.
There is a fear I have been able to overcome - and I think it's a biggie: public speaking. (Do I hear an "Amen"?) By the time I had to take a public speaking class in college, I was far older than the rest of the students, and yet speaking my piece in front of the group made me quiver with fear. I was sweating, I couldn't concentrate, and I had no control of the words that were coming out of my mouth. It was a disaster. When my first job required that I speak before a crowd, I knew I needed help. I needed a program. So I joined the Toastmasters International Club. Through their step-by-step guided program, people learn to harness the nervous energy, concentrate on what you can control, focus on combating the obstacles to successful speaking, and practice, practice, practice. Within a few months, I was able to speak without nervousness and furthermore, make my speaking more effective, engaging and enlightening. I had faced my fear and found it fathomable.
Today, it makes me cringe when I hear people speaking, even on television and radio, and their talk is punctuated by "ummms and ahhhs" that add nothing to their speech and combined with "like..." are truly unnecessary words that detract and diminish. In Toastmasters, there is a person assigned to diligently count your "umms", "ahhhs" and "likes" and kindly, gently, make you aware of them so that you can slowly let go of using them. Instead, you can allow measured, purposeful and humane pauses in your speaking. Something that lets your brain catch up and allows your listeners a moment to focus and really listen. I still think about those experiences today when I must speak before a group, and trust me - it is still a skill I use and appreciate.
Fears can be debilitating, fears can be justified, and fears can be overcome. Except for the eight-legged variety... because for me those are about four legs too many.
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