How to Not be a Burden

Photo: two types of ivy (large: English and tiny: Kenilworth) cascade over an ancient brown brick wall. They coexist but we have no idea which took root there first. 

Does it matter? Not really!

In my work in senior housing, I see older adults on their good days and bad. For many, our independent living complex is the last stop of their autonomous lives. From here, they may move in with loved ones, go to assisted living or be placed in a residential care setting.

A phrase I hear often is "I don't want to be a burden" - to my family, to my loved ones, to society. No one wants that, really. Most of us want to do for ourselves as long as feasible and then to impinge on the lives of others as little as possible. I admire, and appreciate, those who have made provisions for their future care by crafting a safety net of loved ones, services and systems. Planning ahead is the one thing we can do that will serve us when we are less able to do for ourselves.

The "being a burden" part, however, is mostly up to the individual being the "burden". It is my experience that when people offer to do something for you, they mean it. Especially if they say words like, "no, I really don't mind..." or "I'm happy to do that for you..." The bottom line is: when people offer, and it could potentially help you, make your life easier, or give them joy to do it - say YES, thank  you!

Being independent is a valiant goal, but through interdependence, we can build systems that really work and prepare for the eventualities of life's journey. When we came into the world, we were wholly dependent on others. We would not have survived without them - we are not wildebeests or ducks who are fully functional by nightfall of their first day. At the end of our life cycle, then, we may also become dependent on others. To this, I say: accept with gratitude and you will not be a burden.

Sure, you'll get offers from time to time where you can tell that the person is only half-on-board or you'll sense a pervasive tone of obligation. To those, you can say "no, thanks" and the offer will probably dry up like a cotton shirt on a clothesline in a summer breeze. (This in itself is a pleasant thought on a snowy winter day!)

I've come to see a few things that people do that become a burden, even as they are saying they don't want to be a burden. By refusing help, you make things difficult for yourself but also burden those who excruciatingly stand by and watch you struggle. By pushing away simple offers of assistance, you burden your trusted circle by denying them the opportunity to be of use. You burden by turning away the small, kind gestures that people do for each other. By attempting to be strong, you burden another by not allowing them to practice strength by doing for someone else.

No, not every offer should be accepted, but if the offer is genuine and it will let you take a break, spend time in the company of another, and allow someone else the warm feelings of helping, then go on - say yes. You, my friend, are not a wildebeest.